Author's Note:Just saying, this has been around for awhile, but it'll start right about... when we all started our Roleplaying gigs :) Oh, it is listed as Day 1 and shiz because I cannot think of the correct day of when they all meet. Also, there will not be one for every day, just some pretty major days, I guess.
Honestly, I do not know what is going on. I am pretty much falling in love with someone who I could never have in a billion years. He loved someone else, that blond-headed idiot, Talon.
Don't get me wrong, Talon seems nice-ish, but he has the temper of a wolverine and is really self-confident.
I don't know what it is. Sebastian is just... not normal. I honestly have somewhat of a history for thinking of guys to be cute that were gay. But Sebastian is really cute, I like him. A lot.
I feel sick to my stomach now, though. I am thinking of Rosedain and Seb kissing. Honestly, they are together all the time, and I never see them apart.
Of course, I never see Saffron to far away either.
I hear someone coming, that's good, I guess. I've been writing for awhile any way, so I guess I will continue writing tomorrow.
Okay, today was... hectic. Not even kidding. Talon and Seb kissed after Talon kissed Saffron.
The worst part is, though, seeing Talon kiss Seb.
Honestly, I think Saffron felt the same, too. How do I know? The girl tried to kill herself.
So did Seb, after seeing Talon kiss Saffron. Honestly, there is more drama here than there is on some Soap Opera. I am not even remotely kidding.
People are losing their minds over love. Just like I am.
After crying over the kiss, I just ran out in the forest. I almost got attacked a couple times by some animal, or maybe that was my imagination. Whatever.
That is until I saw a shadow moving towards me. I screamed, thinking it would attack me. However, it steps into the patch of sunlight and I see that it's Troy, Troy Ventura.
He looks at me, concerned, and tells me I should go back to the house. I simply nod and we walk back to the house to see a dying Saffron on the floor. Troy runs over to check on her and I stay back.
... Why is it that when I try to write in here, someone tries to come in? Ugh, I'll write more tomorrow.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. My world is going flip-sided. So, let's start from the beginning.
So I was leaning against my friend Marek Ghoulden, I was tired and all. He leaves and goes to lay down on the couch, I didn't know which couch either.
I just go and lay down on a couch there and fall asleep.
When I wake up, however, Talon Rosedain was standing there taking pictures. I see Marek there and silently curse. I look back at Talon and demand for the phone.
However, he just decides to stand there. I then chase him around for a bit and finally manage to snatch the phone and run upstairs, locking myself in a room.
So he comes up and kicks the door down. He says how I am hopelessly in love with someone I could never have. He then snatches the phone back and runs out the doorway. I follow behind him though.
He runs down the dead-end hallway and I run after him. I pin him against the wall and demand for the phone. Instead of giving me the phone, he kisses me.
So many things run through my mind as he kisses me. I am, of course, shocked for a few seconds, which makes him pull me closer. I don't know what happened, but I end up kissing him back.
After the kiss, I don't know. I've never wanted anything more in my life than another kiss from him. It was like Talon and I were... meant for each other. Nothing really felt the same without him being here with me.
I hate this feeling also. It just means that I am killing Sebastian.
But really... The feel of his lips against mine, his arms wrapped around me, keeping us close together, his warmth..
I am going to stop writing. These thoughts have to stop... Maybe I'll rip this page out later...
Okay, MAJOR screw up. Sort of...
I admitted to Talon that I like him. Seb hates him as of now. Seb and I are best friends. And things between Talon and I are... awkward...
Talon leaves and goes to a meadow that I later find for myself. Well, before I find it but I know I am close to a meadow, I sit down under a tree and stare into the distance before getting tired and falling asleep myself.
I don't know how, but I end up in Talon's dream. I was beating him up with several other people. Seeing blood on my hand for the first time ever, I back away, eyes wide.
Talon, now seemed oblivous to being hurt. Short conversation, truly, is all we had. He said he would think about what happened yesterday, think about us being together. That's when I woke up from the dream.
Looking around, I then walked forward and found the meadow. I saw him laying there, how peaceful he looked...
He started to stir and he looked up at me. I gave a weary smile before turning around to walk out.
But he stopped me by putting a hand on my shoulder. I look over at him, into his blue eyes.
We ended up kissing again, which over all brought back our first kiss.
I don't recall loving someone as much as I love Talon, not even Seb.
Days 5-24 are torn out
Today I found something out that just about scared me to death... again.
So I was in a very good mood. Of course, that was out of the ordinary, really.
Talon commented on that and I instantly went from happy to being slight mad. But of course, it went straight back to being happy-happy-joy-joy again.
Suddenly, I felt sick and ran to the bathroom. Talon came to check on me. I was pale when he came in, after having thought some things over.
He asked me what was wrong. He kneeled beside me and I looked at him.
Of course, I told him what I was thinking. I told him that I was pregnant.
He seemed to go stiff before standing up and walking away. I stand up also and follow him, calling his name.
He turns around to face me. I can see anger in his eyes as he says we weren't careful and that now this is just some mistake.
I just felt anger boil over as he calls our child some mistake. A mistake. Turning around, I head upstairs.
After a couple minutes, he comes in, saying he is sorry. He says he was just really shocked. He hugs me.
Now if there is one thing I forgot, it is the reason why he hit me. (A/N:The one little thing I forget! *sigh*) But it caused him to leave and go outside, leaving me in the room by myself. I stood up and walk outside after him.
After trying to convince him that he is the one for me, we finally make up.
Days 26-31 are torn out
Honestly, Amber is the sweetest little thing ever. She is oblivous to the outside world, yes, but not entirely.
You see, Amber has a sense for when something is wrong, and she will usually respond to it. Like if she senses that a family member is hurt or in pain (mentally, not physically), she will usually respond by trying to be a bit nice and cheery to the person. She helps a lot, honestly.
There is, of course, the fact of matter that most of my family that can know that I am alive are a bit skeptical of things. Of course, they don't, except my father, know who the father is. They really want to know though.
Either way, they still really love Amber.
Bryna, out of my entire family, is probably the most excepting of Amber. Of course, we have to keep in mind that my Uncle was a... very busy man. Bryna is still a sweetheart towards Amber.
And of course, my uncle now has added a new addition to my cousins. One more and I will start to lose count. I mean, honestly. Bryna is about... 6th in my line of cousins. The oldest one being Vincent at 22.
Well, still. Elizabeth Morgan Staford is a little sweetie. Lizy is what we are calling her, or at least that is what she responds to. She got some of her mother, Carter's, hair and eyes. So he really isn't much of a Staford in the way of looks. Elizabeth has her mother's midnight-black hair and icy blue eyes. She is adorable.
Alright, so Vinny(Vincent) is the oldest and Lizy(Elizabeth) (1) is the youngest. And inbetween is Andrea (21), Dany(Daniel) (20), Will(William) (18), Quell (17), Bree(Bryna) (16), Nina (14), Mars(Marion(boy)) (12), Bells(Isabelle) (10), Mike(Michael) (9), Tianna (7), Annie(Annabelle) (6), and Rider (3).
Think that is hectic enough? So many small kids running around and they decided to invite friends and people they are dating or married to (if you are Vinny and Andrea). Vinny brought over Cally, his wife, Andrea brough over Damian, her husband, and then Dany, Will, Quell, and Nina brought over dates. It was terrible and crazy because everyone else (minus Bree) brough over some friends.
Sometimes I hate having a crazy family. Then again, it's better than having a normal family, now there, life would suck.
Alright, I should get to bed soon. Have a long drive home tomorrow!
Alright, I got home today and everything was... off. When I drove up the drive way, Talon and Fili were talking. Talon was happy to see me but my sister was pale-faced.
Once inside, right in the middle of an almost-kiss, CeCe screams and that got ruined. Of course, she screamed for good reason, but still.
So CeCe then pulls away my boyfriend to go and find Logan. I'm left wondering what is going on. I mean, Logan is gone, we all know this, but there are other people in the house...
Of course, she comes back pale-faced and now my nephew is supposedly dead. I feel bad for CeCe though...
Then there is the fact of the matter, why would Begrane just leave Logan at his house with someone he didn't know? That's where my suspicion of my nephew being dead started.
Now, let's look at the things stated. CeCe's son goes missing. Begrane is the obvious culprit. Begrane claims that his son was with some babysitter while he went to a meeting. Very unlikely. Begrane hates meetings.
So obviously Begrane is lying. Thing is, how do I prove it? I mean, he could of been forced to some meeting. I don't have solid proof but I will soon.
Well that so worked out. I got no damned answers. People just love to be difficult. Begrane kept testifying that Logan was dead. Grand. So that's it. I guess I won't find out about my nephew...
The rest of page was scribbled out...
Alright, today... I saw Talon with a book. Now there are several things up with this. For starters, Talon is not one to write. Secondly, he is very protective over it to where he will not even tell me about it.
Really, won't even tell me. I can ask him about it and he says it is just some book.
Of course, he knows I can sniff out a lie on anybody, and I can notice the hesitation in his voice.
But either way, I drop the topic, for now...
I let him go outside with his book while I go upstairs and start to write in my songbook.
So then he comes up and knocks on my door, wanting in. I of course, let him in.
That's when he notices my songbook lying open on the bed and tries to read it. I pick up on this and close it.
He seems upset for a split second before walking over to my bed and sitting down. I sit down next to him, and he scoots closer.
So we cuddle for a bit until he decides to say he knows about my songs. Now that... That got me slightly upset. I start to question, a little more angrily then I probably should of, about how he knew. I then threatened to hurt him if he dared even touched my book.
He just calmly replies he is a smart guy. Yeah, sure....
Moving to go and put my stuff away so he doesn't get anything off of that, he pulls me closer, asking I don't leave him there. I reply I want my stuff put up but of course, he always has to be a smartalec about stuff.
He sits up and we both start to kiss. I am of course, in my head, trying to think of one thing when suddenly his journal comes to mind. Quickly, I pull away and tell him that I have to go to a meeting. He lets go of me and I run downstairs. I then also run out the door.
Looking around, I see a pile of dirt. I start to undig it and find the book there. I start to read it and oh my gosh... It just took me away. How much he misses me, how much it hurts him to be away from me... How he is afraid to ever lose me... Him comparing me to a companion cube... Oh hey, Portal :)
And then, there was the entry from the day I got back. It says something about how Fili was suppose to tell him something. So there was something wrong with her...
I finish up the last entry before putting it back in it's resting place and sitting under a tree as I was suppose to be at a meeting.
Of course, after the 'meeting' was done, I go back upstairs. He starts to kiss me but after he kisses me suddenly and I don't automatically reply, he decides to break apart the kiss, wondering if something was wrong. After I say it was a sudden kiss he goes back to kissing me. I mean, wow...
So this time, I don't kiss him back at all. Henotices this and breaks apart the kiss. Now he is really concerned. So I tell him that he kisses me suddenly, I don't automatically reply and then he asks me what's wrong, then kisses me again. He says that he is sorry but he's just... insecure. I ask him why and he says it is because I don't deserve him, but someone better. Trying to make him feel better, I say he is the one I am meant to be with (Oh hey, sounds familiar to a journal entry, eh? XD) but he still looks unsure. I give him a brief kiss before saying that I willl never leave him.
I don't know how I got time to write this journal entry or why I keep this book around any more. It fills me with sorrow to see what I've done in the past. Either way, it takes everything out of my mind.
So today, just to get all of this crap, all of this sorrow in my head out, Talon's first girlfriend, Cianna (barely readable as her hand started to shake as she wrote the name), came by. She ended up kissing Talon and I screamed at her.
Then Talon came and we had our own argument.
Finally, it all ended with him shouting, "MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT TO PUSH HER AWAY!"
Killing me, everything is killing me slowly. I pushed pass him and ran upstairs to go cry. I don't know why, but I just had to find.. her. That girl. Rough her up a bit...
So I did find her, in a bar. I don't know how, but she knew my entire life. My entire childhood, the games, and after. Well, just everything that is dark about me.
I don't know why, but everything during the fight was a blur. I just remember sinking the knife into her stomach...
Her blood was now on my hands... I sunk to my knees, screaming. I curled up, looking at her body, her brown hair now stained with blood. Her face pale and lifeless. Her eyes...
Talon soon found me (after having just called me and me hanging up) and carried me home.
I don't know how long we sat there. It started to feel like forever. After a conversation, we actually then ended up having sex. It has been awhile since we actually have had sex, but we did. It felt good to have him so close to me. To feel his body against mine.
As I write this, a voice is runnign through my head. It is her voice. Taunting me about her death, about Talon. About what he said. I don't know how much longer I can stand this fight with her. Stand the dying pain.
How I was able to remain uncrying while writing this, I don't know... I just do not want to think about her. But everything I do now makes me. Even just being around Talon brings her to thought, considering she was his ex...
I am going to bed. I'll think about keeping this journal tomorrow. It may be the only way I keep in touch with Kianna, may be the only way that I can get rid of my past, but I might have to get rid of it. I've had this since I was 7, and how blank pages are still in here, I don't know...
And... going to bed now.
Day 36 (Last Entry :( )
This is the last entry I am going to write. I have decided to get rid of this. Let's hope that it doesn't rebound on me.
For... 9-10 years, I have written in this journal. Ever since my mother gave it to me along with a locket. Told me to hold onto it, to always write, and never get rid of it. But I have to.
It reminds me of my past so much and I do not want to be reminded of it. I want all of my past out of my head. Every little thing that has happened in my life, I just want it gone.
So, this both keeps my history far from me and keep others from reading everything I have wrote in here. My states of depression are written within the concealed pages of this book.
And I cannot let that just bleed through.
Most of this would just worry everyone, especially Talon. If he ever read my journal, I would overall freak, and he would be deeply concerned and worried. Most of what's written in here is a secret that nobody knows of, not even my siblings.
So, I am going to miss you, journal! </3 You've been an amazing companion (not as good as Talon, of course) to keep around, especially when I was depressed and needed my feelings put somewhere else. You have taken my mind off of so much, but so much has been coming back just thinking about you and I cannot keep you around.
I love you...
A/N: She keeps this page out of all pages in her journal. She keeps it in her drawer.